I want to make a rpg damn it

I have so many people in my google+ circles that are creative. Men and women that writes stories, or create awesome games. People I respect the hell out of because this is something I still want to do in my life. People that can actually get past the distractions that life throws at them and still create amazing games I want to play, and stories I want to read.

What makes this even more impressive is that these people have full lives. Some of them have spouses and children. Some of them even have forms of ailment and it doesn’t stop them from doing what they love. I find this both inspiring and intimidating. Welcome to the inner workings of my mind. I have none of these distractions and yet I still struggle with creating something. I could give a litany of excuses here, but the bottom line is that if it was as important to me as I say it is, I would overcome those things and just do it.  

I have wanted to make a game ever since I started gaming over 20 years ago. But around 2005, my friends and I were going to a ren faire, and it got rained out. On the way back an idea came up about a screen play that involved people getting killed inside of the tabletop role playing game they were playing. Nothing ever really came of that idea, but the idea that we could make the game itself started and never really let go of me. It did not hurt that this was when I was starting to get burned out of Dungeons and Dragons, and just wanted something different. I was also just about to discover this wacky game called Spirit of the Century that would change how I looked at games in general.

So we started making the game and after a while it dawned on me that we were just making a D&D clone. It felt exactly like it. To be fair we had been playing 2nd ed for a while and I guess this was an example of transference. So, the game kind of got scrapped and we started over.

I had spent a few years trying to come up with unique mechanics for the game and every time I felt like I had something, I found out someone had already used that particular mechanic. This drove me crazy as there are so many people out there making games that coming up with something they have no already done can be something that crush you.

Then I started playing Fate more, and man do I love that system. So I decided I wanted to make a Fate game. At this time there was not really that many Fate games out there, and it felt right. I had a few close friends that were helping me and it was awesome.

But like most things in my life, I struggle with consistency and focus. I always felt like making the game was more important to me than it was for them. That isn’t a shot at them as much as making a game has always been a dream of mine and although they wanted too as well, they had other things going on in their lives. So, the longer it went, the less we worked on it. The last time I worked on this with help was when I first moved to Pittsburgh in December of 2011. That fell apart too as making something just isn’t easy…as anyone that has ever made anything will agree.

So, here I sit in 2014. Feeling like for the first time in a LONG time that I am ready to get back at it. I don’t know what I want to do though. Do I still want to make a Fate game with all of them that are out there now? Or do I ditch that idea and try to come up something new? Do I think I can do this by myself, even though I have never shown the discipline required to do so? Is making a novel based on my world too much? Am I over thinking this?  

I don’t know the answer to these questions. But I am just thankful to be asking them again as I am trying to find the will and determination to actually see this through. Find a way to have motivation but sustainable thing instead of something last for four months or so.

I want to do this, and I guess the bottom line is it is up to me.